I like to say that I was the party girl in a family filled with athletes, and there is certainly some truth to that! I was extremely rebellious by the time I reached high school, and was so contrary that by my senior year, I had taken up residence with family friends, just to keep the peace. At one point, my Dad was so concerned with my behavior that he sent me to a psychiatrist! about a A dozen visits later, she essentially told him to lower his standards. He expected “perfect,” and I was merely “perfectly normal!”
You might wonder how a recap of my tumultuous past could answer today’s writing prompt: “What sacrifices have you made in life?” Well, decades after that professional assessment, I learned that my mom often talked to our doctor about my exploits. I’m pretty open, so that sharing did not upset me. In fact; it led to a memorable conversation in which my doctor told me that “I should be very proud, because I showed my siblings what NOT to do!” I am the oldest of four children, and the rest of them have made good personal and professional choices and have been very successful in their endeavors. I will, laughingly, accept some credit for that!
There is another significant choice that I made; that I don’t brag about. When my first husband and I split up, he was in a better position to care for our young son. He worked regular hours, while I was embarking into my never-ending retail career. I made the socially controversial decision to let him raise our son. It was definitely the right decision. That young man, whom I entrusted with our son, rose to the occasion, and has been an incredible role model for over forty years. I believe the responsibility shaped him into the man he is today, and he did an amazing job in preparing our son for a successful future. Sadly, I have not been able to be as present in my son’s life as I would have liked, but he knows that I love him, and that I am proud of the man he has become.
Despite my conviction that I did right by my oldest son; I have always felt stigmatized by the decision I made long ago. Sometimes I wonder if that inward shame propelled me into the abusive relationships, and the ensuing downward spirals. Despite my life experiences, I have always felt a strong sense of integrity, which can be both a blessing and a curse. As a chronic overthinker, there are times when it is hard to distinguish the right from the wrong. Thank goodness for those people in our lives who see through our tumultuous self-deception, and wade into the fray to drag us out! Bless them for consistently reminding us that we are survivors. It is often difficult to see that it that way, when we are busy owning every failure. Evidently, they seem to think I am successful too. Go figure!
